40 Dubs

and I got it tatted on me.  Ok, so maybe it really isn’t a song about me, but whatever God’s Plan in my life has definitely been an interesting one this past year.

I am no longer mad. Instead I am grateful. I mean, I did have plans for this day.  A year ago, I would have said that today would have been about completing my high peak hiking.  I would have told you that I would be having a Stella and just living my happily ever after.

That didn’t even come close to happen.  Instead I would fight the hardest emotional battle to date.

A week ago, I would have told you that I would be preparing for my cross country trip.  That too won’t be happening.

All the plans I had and none of them are going to pan out. Not one of them.

But that is how this journey is…. we end up traveling down paths we cannot possibly plan for or control.  So, I had a decision to make.

One that I have to make every day.  Do I choose to move forward or do I sit here in misery whining about how unfair things seem to be sometimes?

Look, I don’t have it all together and I am far from ok from the traumatic events that occurred just eight months ago.  The wake of that storm effects me and those closest to me more than I care to admit.

Forward.

I am so thrilled and privileged to be 40 today.  Now, more than ever, I realize that each year is such a gift.  Had I not known this despair, I also wouldn’t have known the immense joys you can have in your everyday life.  My heart has grown even more grateful this year.

I hope this year will offer a great deal more joy and for sure a kick ass journey…

I do want to thank all of my people this year who have loved tremendously on me.  Who have listened to my heart and who have just come along side of me and help me live.

Chris- Thank you for your fierceness and all that you do to help me.  I am so proud of the man you are becoming.  Gabrielle- I am pretty sure no one understands me the way you do.  You know what I am doing before I do.  Thank you for holding my hand when you knew things were tough, snuggling your Momma, laughing at my crazy and keeping us all organized.  Michael- Thank you for being the one that is always doing the right thing and really helping out, loving your Momma,  and of course the financial adviser of the house.  Alexis- Thank you for still coming with me and for loving on me the way you do.   Ares- Thank you for making Mommy laugh and singing to me. You make my cloudy days better.  Xan- Thank you for for always reminding Mommy that I am loved and all them good hugs that only you can give me. 🙂 lol.

T- I don’t know how I would have survived without you this year.  You met me where I was at and didn’t let me drown.  You listened to me sob, cry and just swear with my fist shaking to God and loved me just the same.  You have been a daily inspiration to me and my life wouldn’t be the same without you.  I love you.

D- Thank you for just being there. From my first messages of despair to my daily rants about nonsense. Thank you for jumping through hoops and responding at all hours to my broken heart.  Also, thank you for understanding my serious love for Lil Kim, Biggie and Cardi with some Grateful Dead in the mix.  I love you.

Q- Thank you for being you and offering a listening ear. I am so thankful that you are in my life and also your girl Dolce.  I appreciate your wisdom and comedy.  I love you.

B- Thank you for probably rolling your eyes at me more than anyone on the planet.  Thank you for being my ally and sometimes my biggest critic when I need it.  Thank you for coming along side of me and just getting me to where I needed to be when I couldn’t get there myself.  I love you.

My Manifest Coaches- You girls have been so understanding and so loving. I am so proud of you both and so grateful.  I love you girls. Keep going!!!! Don’t give up on you.  I love you.

Friends and Family- Just thank you for any kind word or check in that you did over the last several months.  I appreciate you all so much.  I love you.

Jane- Thank you for your son… Thank you that you supported us and our life we had together.  Thank you for  loving me enough to share him.  I love you.

MAP- Thank you for loving me with everything you had.  Thank you for every mountain and valley we went through.  The journey with you was terrific and one that I have learned the most about.  Thank you for always telling me what I meant to you and for encouraging me and being my biggest fan.  I am going to love and miss you forever.

Choose love and be peace,

Wendy

ps-Follow God’s plan not your own- just trust me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Three

My year started off in the same way that they all do. Promise of new year, new ideas, fresh start etc.

The first three months flew by with the kids in sports and fast forward to spring.

April I quit smoking. I had had enough of it. It helped that my guy, my mom and I did it all together.  I was excited as this was going to propel me into hiking season.

Hiking season this year will probably be the most memorable for me.  I began my high peak journey with my son and my guy at my side. Pushing me along. Encouraging me that I could do hard things. It was awesome. On off (non high peak) days, I hiked alone or with my children in the Southern Adirondacks.  It was a magical time.  A time that I will forever hold onto.

September came in with a trip to NY’s highest mountain, Mt. Marcy. I didn’t necessarily even want to hike it. It was just a spontaneous trip and we went.  We took this crazy ass 22 mile loop and walked out of the woods in the dark.  We rejoiced when we had finally gotten out of woods at our accomplishment and planned our next trip to Keene.

Ten days later I received the call that will haunt me for the rest of my life.  My guy’s Mom said that police had contacted her and he was dead.  DEAD. FUCKING DEAD…. Who the fuck, what the fuck.. what?!!!! Wait, What? Insert every swear word, guttural scream from the pit of hell, disbelief and shock that you can here.  This is the day Wendy, the girl I knew died right along with him.   Wendy, the girl who died of a broken heart was sure to be the headlines.

Ahhh, but life isn’t always that fair. Apparently, you do not get to die just because your heart and soul are ripped out of you.  No, you get to go through all the bullshit. You get to wake up everyday in this nightmare aftermath that you didn’t sign up for.

And every moment of every single day, you get to make a choice. You get to decide if you want to continue moving forward.

I chose to move forward. Kicking and screaming I am moving forward.  Some days that forward looks like sprinting like I am Usain Bolt and other days, I am that dude in the book of John that is lying next to the healing pool and needs to be nudged (kicked in the ass) to get up and get in the healing waters.

The point is that I am doing it.

And there are moments I just want to go back but you can’t.  My life has become one of constant surrender to what actually is, and not the fantasy wherein I get to take away the last three months…

But despite this all,

I am grateful for my life, I am  grateful to get another chance to get it right

I am grateful that I get to see my babies flourish

I am still here

Three months later

Still choosing love

 

Choose love and be peace,

Wendy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This

This was going to be a page of my behind the scenes takeaways from hiking.  I was going to chronicle my obvious bad-assyness 46 high peaks and also my smaller yet beautiful Adirondack conquests.  I imagine that here you will find some of that.  You will read about my mountain trips and the lessons on life each mountain has taught me.  I imagine that here you will also hear about my entire life as it is now- ever changing and evolving.  Who I was on September 10th of this year is not even close to the same person as I am here in December.  I also imagine that you will find all sorts of my personal expression here through writings, photography and art that I create.

I want to share all the bullshit that I have walked through in hopes that maybe there will be someone that can find hope in this often dark world.

I swear a lot, if that offends you- do not continue to read.  It is my way of expressing myself and I will not censor myself to make anyone feel more at ease.

I do not follow one specific belief as in one that would require myself to be labeled.  I rep Jesus and follow his teachings but  often you will often find me sitting in a Buddhist shrine chanting and praying with monks.

I believe that serving others is not just a really cool suggestion but a way of life that I continually strive towards.

Love is my only absolute truth.

Gratitude and peace are my jam.

I meditate, listen to rap, rally at Phish shows, crochet, bake the baddest cookies in the county, shoot guns, hike, photograph cool shit, and raise five of the most amazing humans I know.  I am kind of a big deal.

As I am sure you can tell, I also am a wise ass.

Thanks for being here and I hope that I can offer you some great tools and resources that enhance the quality of your life.  Or ya know, make you laugh until you spit your coffee out.

Speaking of coffee, feel free to buy me a cup.  ❤

Choose love and be peace,

W

 

 

Dubs Defined

/ˌædɪˈrɒndæk/

 noun

a mountain range in NE New York State. Highest peak: Mount Marcy,1629 m (5344 ft)

wan·der·lust
ˈwändərˌləst/

noun

a strong desire to travel. “a {WO}man consumed by wanderlust”