40 Dubs

and I got it tatted on me.  Ok, so maybe it really isn’t a song about me, but whatever God’s Plan in my life has definitely been an interesting one this past year.

I am no longer mad. Instead I am grateful. I mean, I did have plans for this day.  A year ago, I would have said that today would have been about completing my high peak hiking.  I would have told you that I would be having a Stella and just living my happily ever after.

That didn’t even come close to happen.  Instead I would fight the hardest emotional battle to date.

A week ago, I would have told you that I would be preparing for my cross country trip.  That too won’t be happening.

All the plans I had and none of them are going to pan out. Not one of them.

But that is how this journey is…. we end up traveling down paths we cannot possibly plan for or control.  So, I had a decision to make.

One that I have to make every day.  Do I choose to move forward or do I sit here in misery whining about how unfair things seem to be sometimes?

Look, I don’t have it all together and I am far from ok from the traumatic events that occurred just eight months ago.  The wake of that storm effects me and those closest to me more than I care to admit.


I am so thrilled and privileged to be 40 today.  Now, more than ever, I realize that each year is such a gift.  Had I not known this despair, I also wouldn’t have known the immense joys you can have in your everyday life.  My heart has grown even more grateful this year.

I hope this year will offer a great deal more joy and for sure a kick ass journey…

I do want to thank all of my people this year who have loved tremendously on me.  Who have listened to my heart and who have just come along side of me and help me live.

Chris- Thank you for your fierceness and all that you do to help me.  I am so proud of the man you are becoming.  Gabrielle- I am pretty sure no one understands me the way you do.  You know what I am doing before I do.  Thank you for holding my hand when you knew things were tough, snuggling your Momma, laughing at my crazy and keeping us all organized.  Michael- Thank you for being the one that is always doing the right thing and really helping out, loving your Momma,  and of course the financial adviser of the house.  Alexis- Thank you for still coming with me and for loving on me the way you do.   Ares- Thank you for making Mommy laugh and singing to me. You make my cloudy days better.  Xan- Thank you for for always reminding Mommy that I am loved and all them good hugs that only you can give me. 🙂 lol.

T- I don’t know how I would have survived without you this year.  You met me where I was at and didn’t let me drown.  You listened to me sob, cry and just swear with my fist shaking to God and loved me just the same.  You have been a daily inspiration to me and my life wouldn’t be the same without you.  I love you.

D- Thank you for just being there. From my first messages of despair to my daily rants about nonsense. Thank you for jumping through hoops and responding at all hours to my broken heart.  Also, thank you for understanding my serious love for Lil Kim, Biggie and Cardi with some Grateful Dead in the mix.  I love you.

Q- Thank you for being you and offering a listening ear. I am so thankful that you are in my life and also your girl Dolce.  I appreciate your wisdom and comedy.  I love you.

B- Thank you for probably rolling your eyes at me more than anyone on the planet.  Thank you for being my ally and sometimes my biggest critic when I need it.  Thank you for coming along side of me and just getting me to where I needed to be when I couldn’t get there myself.  I love you.

My Manifest Coaches- You girls have been so understanding and so loving. I am so proud of you both and so grateful.  I love you girls. Keep going!!!! Don’t give up on you.  I love you.

Friends and Family- Just thank you for any kind word or check in that you did over the last several months.  I appreciate you all so much.  I love you.

Jane- Thank you for your son… Thank you that you supported us and our life we had together.  Thank you for  loving me enough to share him.  I love you.

MAP- Thank you for loving me with everything you had.  Thank you for every mountain and valley we went through.  The journey with you was terrific and one that I have learned the most about.  Thank you for always telling me what I meant to you and for encouraging me and being my biggest fan.  I am going to love and miss you forever.

Choose love and be peace,


ps-Follow God’s plan not your own- just trust me.

















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